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Daily battle #5 · Bedtime

Why does bedtime take hours, and how do I fix it?

Shay Guynn, M.Ed., BCBA, parent coach
By Shay Guynn, M.Ed., BCBA
Parent coach, behavior analyst and mom · Updated October 2026
The short answer

Bedtime stalling usually happens because your child wants more time with you, more play, or help settling a busy mind. A predictable routine, one warm promise and calm follow-through work better than threats. Keep the routine the same each night, in the same order.

Nearly 1 in 4

parents say they struggle to get their child to sleep.

Source: HealthDay: University of Michigan Mott Poll, 2024

Why it happens

Your child is not trying to ruin your evening. Behavior that keeps coming back is usually doing a job for your child. It most often comes from one of these four needs:

Getting your attentionBedtime is often the first quiet time with you all day.
Getting something they wantOne more show, one more snack, one more story.
Feeling overwhelmedWorries often show up when the lights go off.
Getting out of something hardBeing alone in the dark can feel lonely and, for some kids, scary.

Often it is a mix. Start with the one that shows up most in your hardest moments.

What to do in the moment

Step 1

Pause

Remind yourself: “I do not need to win tonight. I just need to stay calm.”

Step 2

Decode

Ask yourself: is my child wired, worried or wanting time with me?

Step 3

Respond

Answer each request with the same warm sentence, then walk them back.

What to say, word for word

Ages 4–8“It is bedtime. When you are in bed, I will read one chapter.”

Answer the next request with the same sentence, warmly.

Ages 9–16“Lights out at 10. Remember, all electronics are off and in the kitchen now. Do you want to read for the last 10 minutes?”

A choice inside the limit lowers the fight.

When they keep getting up“I love you. It is time for you to get some good sleep. I will come check on you in 5 minutes. Sweet dreams.”

Then check, right on time, with very few words.

One small change for tomorrow

Make a 3- to 4-step bedtime chart (bath, pajamas, teeth, book) and follow it in the same order every night. A little planned one-on-one time earlier in the evening can cut down on bedtime requests.

Common questions

My child keeps getting out of bed. What do I do?

Walk them back calmly with as few words as possible, every time. The less exciting it is, the faster it fades.

Is it okay to lie down with my child?

Many families do. If you want to change it, step back slowly over a few weeks: sit by the bed, then by the door, then just outside.

When should I talk to a doctor?

If your child snores loudly, seems very tired during the day, or sleep problems last for weeks, talk with your child’s doctor.

Want a plan built around your child?

The Calm, Connected Home is my 90-day coaching program for busy parents who are tired of the same daily battles. Not sure yet? Book a free 20-Minute Clarity Call with Shay Guynn, M.Ed., BCBA. No pressure, just answers.

Book a free Clarity CallGet the $19 Hard-Moment Reset guide

Struggling with another daily battle?

Tap one to read the answer.

Daily battle · ScreensWhy does my child melt down when screen time ends?Read the answer →Daily battle · ChoresWhy will my child not help around the house?Read the answer →Daily battle · HomeworkHow do I end homework battles with my child?Read the answer →Daily battle · MorningsHow do I stop morning meltdowns before school?Read the answer →
Safety first. If behavior ever becomes unsafe for your child or anyone else, get additional professional support. In an emergency, call 911. For a mental health crisis, call or text 988.
Sources